Yesterday was my birthday. Susan offered to watch you while Daddy and I went out on a date. We had originally planned to go see a movie and have dinner together, but we were late getting to the restaurant and were not able to make it to the movie. Instead we went to play miniature golf. Your dad beat me for the first time. He was quite pleased with himself. We played on an outdoor course because the indoor course was packed and so it was rather chilly. We stopped at the Village Inn afterward for hot chocolate and pie. It was nice to be together and talk and enjoy each other. I missed you but I also knew that you were being well taken care of.
A sweet lady in our ward-Camille Chipman-called on Friday and offered to babysit for us since she saw in the ward bulletin that it was my birthday. She has five children, her youngest five months old, and all were born via c-section. I am amazed at the kindness of the people in our ward and will be sad to leave them when we move. I am also amazed at the kindness of women who are mothers who understand the challenges of motherhood and caring for an infant. Some days I have felt alone in my experiences, but when I talk to other moms, I am pleasantly surprised to find out that my feelings are normal and characteristic of this time in my life.
Mitch is visiting for the weekend. He is staying at Susan’s and should be returning to Rexburg tonight, I think. We dropped him and his friend, Jen, off at her aunt’s house last night and that is why we were running a bit late and missed the movie. I don’t mind though, because golf gave us a chance to talk. We had dinner at Brick Oven, which is my favorite Italian restaurant. I always get the pasta bar because I can put as much sauce on my pasta as I want. Most places don’t give you enough.
I have had some wonderful moments with you as we sit and rock and talk. I like to sing to you, and though I am not the greatest singer, you seem to enjoy it most of the time as well. I usually sing hymns to you and some seem to have an even more special meaning now that I am a mom. Two in particular come to mind. The first is “Abide With Me” (Hymn 166). The last verse reads:
I need thy presence every passing hour.
What but thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
I do need him every day. I could not take care of you if I knew that I was doing this on my own. I know that there are angels surrounding us throughout the day who help and comfort both of us.
The other song that brought tears to my eyes is one that I would have never correlated with being a mom. I heard it last Sunday on “The Spoken Word” on tv and was amazed by the message whispered to my heart as I held you in my arms.
I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go
It may not be on a mountain height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me.
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know
I’ll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.
Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin
Some wanderer whom I should seek.
O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet:
I’ll say what you want me to say.
There’s surely somewhere a lowly place
In earth’s harvest fields so wide
Where I may labor through life’s short day
For Jesus, the Crucified.
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere:
I’ll be what you want me to be.
Chorus
I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountains or plain or sea;
I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what you want me to be.
For me, this song seemed to be such an anthem for motherhood, though it is usually sung at mission farewells. It is not at work where I can do the most good in this world (It may not be on a mountain height), but within the walls of my own home, teaching you, guiding you, and helping you to know the Savior. I have had plenty of experience mothering with my own younger brothers as they were born into our family and grew, as well as with Susan’s children. Even my babysitting experiences helped me (To paths that I do not know), but to be a mom to my own daughter is completely different, and I am learning all of the time.
I feel very confident that I am to stay at home (I’ll go where you want me to go) and be your mom. Some days I miss the challenge and interaction of working with my peers, but I would miss you more. “Perhaps today there are loving words, which Jesus would have me speak”. There are so many children in this world who rarely hear kind words such as “I love you” or who are not taught about Jesus, about life, or even the ABCs. I feel strongly that I can teach you so much and already you show that you are able to learn. In fact, when you were two days old, you showed the beginnings of your intelligence capacity. I stuck out my tongue at you and you did it right back. I am teaching you the ABCs, 1,2,3,4,5, all about your face and hands, primary songs and church hymns. Right now you listen with real intent and someday you will surprise me.
I try to read scriptures to you along with other books and if you are not tired and fussy you sit and listen. When I glance from the words to your face you have a large grin on your face. You smile so wonderfully and so often and I love it. And you too.
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